From Dave to Dave
This is a response to my cousin Dave's New Year's Resolutions. They are as follows:
1. Lose weight
2. Get back in shape
3. Billy Mays Products
4. find out how a girls mind works
5. Getting good grades
I assumed that "Billy Mays Products" meant buying them all. I hope I was right.
So, here's how it's gonna go down:
1) You'll lose three pounds. You'll get so excited you celebrate and gain four pounds back via junk food, soda pop, and partially fermented barley soda. Devastation ensues. You try harder.
2) In your attempt to get back in shape, the fatty tissue that you use up in achieving resolutions one and two from your resolution list will be outweighed by any muscle mass you gain in its stead. This is disheartening as you believe that you are still failing number one. This causes you to give up sincerely trying either one or two.
3) You buy them all. But, unlike Pokemon, there aren't infinite products and so you are done collecting in about a week or two. They sure are fun, but now what?
4) In an attempt to figure out the female brain, you ask what you believe to be an average girl out for a casual dinner and conversation. She agrees. You ask her where she'd like to go and she says she's "up for anything." Then, at the mere mention of any restaurant you can think of, she lets you know that "anything" is actually a very selective list of foods or restaurants that you apparently have never heard of. You decide that this maze of abstractions highly resembles schizophrenia and likewise give up resolution four.
5) After spending about a month with shifting priorities dealing with 3 failures and one success from said resolutions, you become enchanted with the Billy Mays products. You lose all study time in the Samurai Shark and Mighty Putty. The report card? Not so hot. But the year isn't over; in fact, the poor grades from your first semester leave a lot of room for improvement. Perhaps you can pull off the fifth resolution after all? If only it weren't for that darned Awesome Auger!
1. Lose weight
2. Get back in shape
3. Billy Mays Products
4. find out how a girls mind works
5. Getting good grades
I assumed that "Billy Mays Products" meant buying them all. I hope I was right.
So, here's how it's gonna go down:
1) You'll lose three pounds. You'll get so excited you celebrate and gain four pounds back via junk food, soda pop, and partially fermented barley soda. Devastation ensues. You try harder.
2) In your attempt to get back in shape, the fatty tissue that you use up in achieving resolutions one and two from your resolution list will be outweighed by any muscle mass you gain in its stead. This is disheartening as you believe that you are still failing number one. This causes you to give up sincerely trying either one or two.
3) You buy them all. But, unlike Pokemon, there aren't infinite products and so you are done collecting in about a week or two. They sure are fun, but now what?
4) In an attempt to figure out the female brain, you ask what you believe to be an average girl out for a casual dinner and conversation. She agrees. You ask her where she'd like to go and she says she's "up for anything." Then, at the mere mention of any restaurant you can think of, she lets you know that "anything" is actually a very selective list of foods or restaurants that you apparently have never heard of. You decide that this maze of abstractions highly resembles schizophrenia and likewise give up resolution four.
5) After spending about a month with shifting priorities dealing with 3 failures and one success from said resolutions, you become enchanted with the Billy Mays products. You lose all study time in the Samurai Shark and Mighty Putty. The report card? Not so hot. But the year isn't over; in fact, the poor grades from your first semester leave a lot of room for improvement. Perhaps you can pull off the fifth resolution after all? If only it weren't for that darned Awesome Auger!
Labels: awesome auger, beer, Billy Mays, Dave, mighty putty, pokemon, resolutions, samurai shark, schizophrenia
posted by Dave LaGory at 00:31
4 Comments:
true fact: i love this
Haha yeah Sarah my cousin Dave is a pretty awesome guy.
Dave I am literally laughing out loud. That was an awesome blog. And yes Billy Mays products means purchasing them
Yeah, I figured our psychic Dave-link was working properly.
How'd I know? for absolutely no reason of my own, I wanted peanuts. I knew that it was really you who wanted them.
It's totally a Dave thing, because the earlier before I had to the urge to good a flavorful dessert, but then I remembered I don't cook, so it was have been you...
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