Straight flush
You know what, this house has three some-what grown men living in it. For all intents and purposes, we are all fully grown men (physically. Mentally I'm 12 and emotionally I'm ranking in at about 6). And it is for this reason alone that finally, without the tyranical input that is the Mother's Decree, I'm learning that the toilet seat is a device that has been broadly misunderstood. Nay, it is well understood; its stance in society has been misunderstood. Abused, even. Yes, I'm talking about women and their intrusive approach to the subject of bathroom manners.
Women everywhere have somehow been duped into believing that they are the supreme authority on the subject of what is right and wrong in the bathroom. News flash, thanks to some of your more audacious, brash, large-lunged and vocal friends, gender equality came about with a voracious appetite for grabbing at all the big straws. Seems to me that at least this one little straw may have been overlooked. Now, I'll agree with the now old-fashioned view that if a women, say my wife for instance, were to solely and religiously clean my bathroom, she could demand that the toilet seat be kept in whichever way best suited her hygienic needs. Unless, of course, I paid her, such as a maid or a prostitute with a penchant for cleanliness, in which case she does what I and my Jefferson's say. But since the last two account for about .5% of the female population (it would probably have ranked closer to a full 5% if it hadn't been for the "penchant for cleanliness" clause), that means that 99.5% of women have no say in the exact placement of the toilet seat. Herein lies the arguement.
Women, leave the toilet seat up. If you don't want to have to sit down in my ionic aqueous body waste, I suggest you put that seat right back up when you're done. I have no care for whether or not you fall in. There should never be a time when you're in too big of a hurry to check to see whether or not that seat is up, especially if you're doing your womanly duties properly and putting it up when you're done powdering your nose or whatever you spend a half hour doing anyway. Honestly, when it comes to exposing my most sensitive of regions to a gaping black water-filled hole, I don't imagine I couldn't take the time to double-check that it doesn't mean certain pain and/or death.
Now, I'm no monster. I'd be willing to meet you halfway. You put it up when you're done, I'll put it down. This approach works out best for everyone in my personal opinion. Mostly because a) we're all horribly inconvienienced, and if there's one thing we love in America, it's making everyone a little bit lower so that we feel better about our plight and b) women use the bathroom no less than three times more than men. This last point is important to note because if a man were to lap a woman in bathroom usage, he would have to put the seat up to pee and then back down, thus undoing everything that is being striven for. Now I'm sure plenty of women will say, "Well, that's not fair, because now I have to put the seat down and then back up when I'm done!" And yes, this is true, but only because women for some reason have yet to develop the shut up and hold it" gene that men have spread prolifically amongst themselves. Once women figure out how to control there own bodily functions (and the complaining that goes along with them, i.e. "Pull over, I have to pee" or "It's my time, I have cramps" or even "Childbirth sure is painful"), we'll be far better off and the system will equalize such that the seat is always already down for the women (since apparently it's such a problem for them to check first) and will also always already be up for the men (and thus women don't have to fear the 'wet seat').
Now, granted, just like any other great sociological theory, this has its flaws. Case and point, the party. Especially parties involving beverages that seem to proliferate urination while at the same time decreasing memory/mental functionality of said imbibers. In these events, the human mind will automatically revert to its more instinctive phase, which is men will find a bush/shrub/car outside that is suited to their needs, while girls will remain locked in the bathroom for hours using the toilet and/or bathtub. I am of course assuming the bathtub technique since a) women always go in to a single-serve bathroom in pairs and b) they also tend to be too drunk to accurately use a toilet by the end of such parties anyway.
Now, to recap: Women, back up off. Seriously. And if your bladder is between 25% and 50% the size of my bladder, than why does it take you 200-300% longer to use the bathroom? And don't even think about blaming the sit-down crap. I probably sit half the time and can still out pace you, and I can pee for well over a minute without any damperage in my rate. Yes, I used the term "damperage" in reference to my urination rate, and yes, I have timed it. I'm awesome. Oh, and yes, I like to sit some times. If I'm taking a break, I'm taking a flippin' break.
Women everywhere have somehow been duped into believing that they are the supreme authority on the subject of what is right and wrong in the bathroom. News flash, thanks to some of your more audacious, brash, large-lunged and vocal friends, gender equality came about with a voracious appetite for grabbing at all the big straws. Seems to me that at least this one little straw may have been overlooked. Now, I'll agree with the now old-fashioned view that if a women, say my wife for instance, were to solely and religiously clean my bathroom, she could demand that the toilet seat be kept in whichever way best suited her hygienic needs. Unless, of course, I paid her, such as a maid or a prostitute with a penchant for cleanliness, in which case she does what I and my Jefferson's say. But since the last two account for about .5% of the female population (it would probably have ranked closer to a full 5% if it hadn't been for the "penchant for cleanliness" clause), that means that 99.5% of women have no say in the exact placement of the toilet seat. Herein lies the arguement.
Women, leave the toilet seat up. If you don't want to have to sit down in my ionic aqueous body waste, I suggest you put that seat right back up when you're done. I have no care for whether or not you fall in. There should never be a time when you're in too big of a hurry to check to see whether or not that seat is up, especially if you're doing your womanly duties properly and putting it up when you're done powdering your nose or whatever you spend a half hour doing anyway. Honestly, when it comes to exposing my most sensitive of regions to a gaping black water-filled hole, I don't imagine I couldn't take the time to double-check that it doesn't mean certain pain and/or death.
Now, I'm no monster. I'd be willing to meet you halfway. You put it up when you're done, I'll put it down. This approach works out best for everyone in my personal opinion. Mostly because a) we're all horribly inconvienienced, and if there's one thing we love in America, it's making everyone a little bit lower so that we feel better about our plight and b) women use the bathroom no less than three times more than men. This last point is important to note because if a man were to lap a woman in bathroom usage, he would have to put the seat up to pee and then back down, thus undoing everything that is being striven for. Now I'm sure plenty of women will say, "Well, that's not fair, because now I have to put the seat down and then back up when I'm done!" And yes, this is true, but only because women for some reason have yet to develop the shut up and hold it" gene that men have spread prolifically amongst themselves. Once women figure out how to control there own bodily functions (and the complaining that goes along with them, i.e. "Pull over, I have to pee" or "It's my time, I have cramps" or even "Childbirth sure is painful"), we'll be far better off and the system will equalize such that the seat is always already down for the women (since apparently it's such a problem for them to check first) and will also always already be up for the men (and thus women don't have to fear the 'wet seat').
Now, granted, just like any other great sociological theory, this has its flaws. Case and point, the party. Especially parties involving beverages that seem to proliferate urination while at the same time decreasing memory/mental functionality of said imbibers. In these events, the human mind will automatically revert to its more instinctive phase, which is men will find a bush/shrub/car outside that is suited to their needs, while girls will remain locked in the bathroom for hours using the toilet and/or bathtub. I am of course assuming the bathtub technique since a) women always go in to a single-serve bathroom in pairs and b) they also tend to be too drunk to accurately use a toilet by the end of such parties anyway.
Now, to recap: Women, back up off. Seriously. And if your bladder is between 25% and 50% the size of my bladder, than why does it take you 200-300% longer to use the bathroom? And don't even think about blaming the sit-down crap. I probably sit half the time and can still out pace you, and I can pee for well over a minute without any damperage in my rate. Yes, I used the term "damperage" in reference to my urination rate, and yes, I have timed it. I'm awesome. Oh, and yes, I like to sit some times. If I'm taking a break, I'm taking a flippin' break.
posted by Dave LaGory at 01:51
3 comments
