What can I say? Once a slacker always a slacker.
So, i told a few people I was going to start posting the things I do around the house as a designated house-husband. You know, since Michigan's unemployment rate is a slim 14.7% (with the looming prediction of a 15.8% average in 2010). I may as well do something productive, right?
Rest assured I have several posts and projects near completion with a few minor details left for the polishing. Anyway, my buddy Dan turned me on to something most interesting via an RSS feed: the ADE651™, "PORTABLE ADVANCED EQUIPMENT OF DETECTION OF EXPLOSIVES AND NARCOTICS."
A few excerpts from their website truly caught my eye that I just couldn't stop laughing about, and in turn decided we all should get a good laugh out of it. And by "we all" I mean "me" since no one even knows I post anymore.
To continue:
Right from the opening paragraph, the company's spelling/grammar skills truly paint the picture of their sincerity and attention to detail. "It is extremely easy to aperate and delivers fast detection of the programmed substances in a small lightweight package.." I just wish blogs were as easy to aperate. Maybe I would blog more often. And is that sentenced ended with two periods, or did they just fall short of an ellipse? I can't tell if there's more to follow or not!
Nope, there certainly is. Right at the bottom of the main page we find a listing of countries they serve:
"North & South America • UK • Europe • Far East • Middle East • Eastern Europe • África • Asia"
So, now we have discovered that their aperations reach so far that they've forgotten that the United Kingdom is part of Europe, which, as far as I can remember, also included Eastern Europe. And why the distinction between the "Far East" and Asia? Or, for that matter, the Middle East and Asia? And what's with the accent mark in África? The only continents they got right are the Americas, and (sigh of relief) we're not retarded enough to buy this crap.
Which leads me to the next point: According to the website, 80 units of ADE651™ were sold to the Iraqi Ministry of Interior. At 60k a pop (according to the RSS feed I found this through), that's 4.8 million dollars spent on 80 old coaxial cable lines, power hose handles, and lunch boxes. Sure would have been nice if Iraq just gave us that money directly to help pay for the @$$load of support we've blown on them. (Upon further investigation, I found a source sighting this:
Aqeel al-Turaihi, the inspector general for the Ministry of the Interior, reported that the ministry bought 800 of the devices from a company called ATSC (UK) Ltd. for $32 million in 2008, and an unspecified larger quantity for $53 million. Scary.) But they're not even alone; more units were sold to the Lebanese Army (Beirut), the Chinese Police (Bejing) [sic] (is Bejing in the Far East or in Asia? and is it anywhere near Beijing?) , and the Thailand Police (Bangkok). "This eas done to increase job results and to reach from now on a new level in terms of security and detection of threats." I thought it would have been obvious why someone would purchase "PORTABLE ADVANCED EQUIPMENT OF DETECTION OF EXPLOSIVES AND NARCOTICS", but they apparently need to very illiterately tell us why one more time. This eas done to increase our confidence in their product.
This wonder-wand is so supremely amazing that it can detect "Black Powder, Used Weapons, Fireworks, all types of Ammunition,
Ammonium Nitrate (ANFO-ANNIE), Chinese Czech and Russian Semtex, Plastic (C4, C1, ...), Dynamite, RDX, TNT, Nitroglycerine, Tetryl, Grenades, Mines, Amphetamine, Cocaine, Crack, Heroine, Marijuana, Cannabis, Morphine, Ivory, Human research, Bank notes, …"
Errors in this list: first of all, after a comma, use "etc." if you want to use the ellipse, leave off the comma! I want to murder ellipse abusers! Furthermore, the device can detect "used weapons", but no mention of unused weapons. A live round is far more dangerous than a fired round, last I checked. ANFO-ANNIE doesn't exist; ANFO/ANNIE would have made more sense, though still completely redundant. And since when did China join the Czech Republic? Furthermore, only the Czech republic and Slovakia manufacture Semtex, not China or Russia. As far as detecting C4, listing C1 next seems mundane since C3 would be a far better example. Or even C2. In fact, they should have just said it detects Composition A, B, and C plastic explosives. Of course this is a moot point since all it detects is gullible people. Nitrogylicerine? Is this the cuter version of Nitroglycerin? And now for the drugs. Yay, drugs! I sure am glad they differentiate between Cocaine and Crack. This must be to say that they can detect really impure forms of crack, since in reality it is cocaine. And again, the distinction of marijuana from cannabis is unnecessary, as Marijuana is a species of the genus Cannabis. But I guess these guys are chemists/physicists, not horticulturists nor agriculturists. My favorite parts, though are "Human research" and "bank notes." Human research? Really? I almost don't even know what to say. Shouldn't this device point at every person in the vicinity who recently drank any diet soda pop, ate any margarine, or put on any makeup? Any foreign, non-natural substance in the body should trip this thing. It's not like they can pre-program it for experimental substances that are in the research phase that they haven't first found out about, classified, and sampled. And as far as bank notes are concerned, it's ink on paper. The instruction manual should set it off. Or cotton, in the case of US money. Dyed cotton, you say? Sounds like every piece of clothing in the vicinity may give a false-positive. Quick! Everyone get naked! Our uniforms have been sabotaged!
I think that's how most military pornography starts. Wait, did Ron Jeremy invent this thing?
Rest assured I have several posts and projects near completion with a few minor details left for the polishing. Anyway, my buddy Dan turned me on to something most interesting via an RSS feed: the ADE651™, "PORTABLE ADVANCED EQUIPMENT OF DETECTION OF EXPLOSIVES AND NARCOTICS."
A few excerpts from their website truly caught my eye that I just couldn't stop laughing about, and in turn decided we all should get a good laugh out of it. And by "we all" I mean "me" since no one even knows I post anymore.
To continue:
Right from the opening paragraph, the company's spelling/grammar skills truly paint the picture of their sincerity and attention to detail. "It is extremely easy to aperate and delivers fast detection of the programmed substances in a small lightweight package.." I just wish blogs were as easy to aperate. Maybe I would blog more often. And is that sentenced ended with two periods, or did they just fall short of an ellipse? I can't tell if there's more to follow or not!
Nope, there certainly is. Right at the bottom of the main page we find a listing of countries they serve:
"North & South America • UK • Europe • Far East • Middle East • Eastern Europe • África • Asia"
So, now we have discovered that their aperations reach so far that they've forgotten that the United Kingdom is part of Europe, which, as far as I can remember, also included Eastern Europe. And why the distinction between the "Far East" and Asia? Or, for that matter, the Middle East and Asia? And what's with the accent mark in África? The only continents they got right are the Americas, and (sigh of relief) we're not retarded enough to buy this crap.
Which leads me to the next point: According to the website, 80 units of ADE651™ were sold to the Iraqi Ministry of Interior. At 60k a pop (according to the RSS feed I found this through), that's 4.8 million dollars spent on 80 old coaxial cable lines, power hose handles, and lunch boxes. Sure would have been nice if Iraq just gave us that money directly to help pay for the @$$load of support we've blown on them. (Upon further investigation, I found a source sighting this:
Aqeel al-Turaihi, the inspector general for the Ministry of the Interior, reported that the ministry bought 800 of the devices from a company called ATSC (UK) Ltd. for $32 million in 2008, and an unspecified larger quantity for $53 million. Scary.) But they're not even alone; more units were sold to the Lebanese Army (Beirut), the Chinese Police (Bejing) [sic] (is Bejing in the Far East or in Asia? and is it anywhere near Beijing?) , and the Thailand Police (Bangkok). "This eas done to increase job results and to reach from now on a new level in terms of security and detection of threats." I thought it would have been obvious why someone would purchase "PORTABLE ADVANCED EQUIPMENT OF DETECTION OF EXPLOSIVES AND NARCOTICS", but they apparently need to very illiterately tell us why one more time. This eas done to increase our confidence in their product.
This wonder-wand is so supremely amazing that it can detect "Black Powder, Used Weapons, Fireworks, all types of Ammunition,
Ammonium Nitrate (ANFO-ANNIE), Chinese Czech and Russian Semtex, Plastic (C4, C1, ...), Dynamite, RDX, TNT, Nitroglycerine, Tetryl, Grenades, Mines, Amphetamine, Cocaine, Crack, Heroine, Marijuana, Cannabis, Morphine, Ivory, Human research, Bank notes, …"
Errors in this list: first of all, after a comma, use "etc." if you want to use the ellipse, leave off the comma! I want to murder ellipse abusers! Furthermore, the device can detect "used weapons", but no mention of unused weapons. A live round is far more dangerous than a fired round, last I checked. ANFO-ANNIE doesn't exist; ANFO/ANNIE would have made more sense, though still completely redundant. And since when did China join the Czech Republic? Furthermore, only the Czech republic and Slovakia manufacture Semtex, not China or Russia. As far as detecting C4, listing C1 next seems mundane since C3 would be a far better example. Or even C2. In fact, they should have just said it detects Composition A, B, and C plastic explosives. Of course this is a moot point since all it detects is gullible people. Nitrogylicerine? Is this the cuter version of Nitroglycerin? And now for the drugs. Yay, drugs! I sure am glad they differentiate between Cocaine and Crack. This must be to say that they can detect really impure forms of crack, since in reality it is cocaine. And again, the distinction of marijuana from cannabis is unnecessary, as Marijuana is a species of the genus Cannabis. But I guess these guys are chemists/physicists, not horticulturists nor agriculturists. My favorite parts, though are "Human research" and "bank notes." Human research? Really? I almost don't even know what to say. Shouldn't this device point at every person in the vicinity who recently drank any diet soda pop, ate any margarine, or put on any makeup? Any foreign, non-natural substance in the body should trip this thing. It's not like they can pre-program it for experimental substances that are in the research phase that they haven't first found out about, classified, and sampled. And as far as bank notes are concerned, it's ink on paper. The instruction manual should set it off. Or cotton, in the case of US money. Dyed cotton, you say? Sounds like every piece of clothing in the vicinity may give a false-positive. Quick! Everyone get naked! Our uniforms have been sabotaged!
I think that's how most military pornography starts. Wait, did Ron Jeremy invent this thing?
Labels: ade651, baghdad, cannabis, dynamite, explosives, funny, grammar, iraq, lunch box, margarine, marijuana, narcotics, ridiculous, ron jeremy, security, spelling, unemployment
posted by Dave LaGory at 12:14
1 comments
