Fake Trees = Death wish. 'Cause I'll kill you.

*sigh* This is a response to a comment I received on my last post dealing with the removal of my Christmas tree. As well-intended as it was, I must say that fake trees are just not cool. At least not for anyone my age. I will probably get a fake when I'm mega old, like 40 (can I just say that this particular link is one of the most confusing pages ever? I mean, what is this guy going for here?), but until then I'm rockin' it real style. To me, fake trees are like gas fireplaces. They're like the whores of the Christmas world.
...Wait. Maybe real trees are like whores? You pay for 'em once and they only stay so long, then they're gone forever. Hmm. This is a conflicting thought for the ideology of a married man.
Either way, as long as my able body can haul a real tree, I'm going real. Also, it should be noted that if you have children, are planning on having children, or are simply reaching child-bearing age and have an IQ of 100 of higher (no one else should be allowed to duplicate themselves tax-free), a real tree is a deterrent to children touching/grabbing/dropping/eating those expensive family heirloom ornaments. Trust me, I've seen a handful of kids lately reek havoc on some nice ornaments because the tree didn't stab them back. That's why I only get Colorado Blue Spruce. Sure, my hands look like a gross cross between leprosy and measles for a few days after putting the lights on, but nothing beats that fresh pine smell and that built in ornament theft deterrent.

Posting is hard.

There are just some days when remembering to post doesn't happen. And then there are days when I remember to post, but have yet to do anything that might qualify as a completed project. Am I lazy? Early Alzheimer's? Could it be a dreadful combination of either?

Nah, I'm probably drunk; my Completed Project from two days ago was drinking beer. To clarify, I had on record drank over 111 different kinds of beer at one restaurant. Because of this, I get a T-shirt, a Sweatshirt with my name on it (I chose to have "Simon's Drawrings" embroidered on it. This is proof that sobriety had nothing to do with my feat.), my own personal mug at the restaurant complete with discounts on beers, and my name engraved on a plaque to prove to all of the other patrons that I am, in fact, destined for a trailer park and a stained tank top. Won't my kids be proud?

Yesterday's project was a little bit better. And a little bit more pathetic. I shoveled the walk. That's about all I did, all day long. Granted I did other things during the day, but breathing and going to get a pizza hardly count for projects. Unless I ate the whole large on my own. That would certainly be a difficult task if ever there were one! And undertake it I would if it weren't for the training I'd have to put myself through to fit that much food in my stomach at once. I'd really like to shed some of this newlywed weight.

Today I finally took our tree down. That rat bastard has caused me so much pain that getting rid of it it was like telling your ex-boyfriend to stop comin' by for booty calls. There were points when I had so many needles sticking out of my back and shoulders that I just had to stop and laugh at how much I looked like Pinhead. Anyway, it took about a half hour to de-light the tree and get it out of the house, but the whole project dragged on for well over three hours. I had to move furniture out of the way, roll up the rug, and then when I had the lights off and the tree out, the real fun started.


This picture just does no do justice for the shear amount of needles that there were on the floor. That pile is inches thick. They filled at least a fourth of our 38 liter trash can. That's about 4-5 2-liters of Soda. Ridiculous. And after I got that pokey mess all cleaned up I mopped and blah blah blah. Long story short, one more project down.

And now for the Clip of the Day. Enjoy, and Just give up.

Missed a day? Hardly.

It may take me a few days/weeks to get used to posting everyday. But that doesn't mean I didn't have a project completed yesterday! Two friends and I met with a particular small brewery co-owner to talk about the finer details of opening, owning, and running a brewery. I won't divulge all of that information here (it would probably be boring to the three people who *may* read this anyway), but I will say it was highly beneficial and definitely gave us some insight into our direction on several issues. Now if only we had some insanely rich friends who were loose with their cash...

In addition to the brewery meeting, I did make a delicious meal the other night which involved using the grill in the middle of a snow storm. 'Cause that's how a real man rolls. Unfortunately, I did completely forget to photograph and document the grilling and the chick that came off it, but that happens. Here's what I fed my wife:

Lemon-thyme Grilled Chicken
created by: me! yay!

3 Tbs. extra virgin olive oil
1 Tbs. fresh thyme, minced (~ 1 tsp. dried thyme)
2 cloves garlic, minced
zest of one lemon. You can use the juice, too, but you'll want to double the thyme if you do.
4 chicken breasts, skinned and deboned

Mix the olive oil, thyme, garlic, and zest in a shallow baking dish. Slop in the chicken and flip to fully cover in the marinade. Cover with foil and let sit, refrigerated, for at least 30 minutes. Pre-heat the girll and lightly coat the grill with a mild vegetable oil. Grill up and enjoy!

Roasted Garlic and Sweet Potato Soup
adapted (barely) from tasteofhome.com

Things I would change about this recipe: use less onion, more garlic. Granted they are both of the Allium genus, the flavor of the garlic better compliments the soup than too much onion. Also, a touch of heavy cream really warms the soup up. So, if you aren't cooking this for the healthfulness of the soup or for lactose intolerant people (milk hates them, too), I'd throw in maybe 1/4 to 1/2 cup of heavy cream. Hazaah!

1 whole garlic bulb
3 teaspoons extra virgin olive oil, divided
2-1/2 lbs. sweet potatoes, peeled and cut into 1/2-inch slices
2 medium onions, cut into wedges
3 1/2 cups reduced-sodium chicken broth, divided
2 cups water
2 Tbs. minced fresh thyme (~1 tsp. dried thyme)
1/4 tsp. kosher salt
1/8 tsp. fresh cracked pepper

Remove papery outer skin from garlic bulb (do not peel or separate cloves). Cut top off bulb; brush with 1/2 teaspoon oil. Wrap in heavy-duty foil.

Place sweet potatoes and onions in a 15x10 (14x9 works just as well) baking pan coated with cooking spray or oil. Drizzle with remaining oil; toss to coat.

Bake garlic and vegetables at 425° for 30-35 minutes or until tender. Cool for 10-15 minutes.

Place 1-1/2 cups broth, parsley, thyme, salt and pepper in a blender. Squeeze softened garlic into mixture; cover and process until smooth. Transfer to a large saucepan.

In batches, process the sweet potatoes, onions and remaining broth until smooth; add to garlic mixture. Add the water to the saucepan. Cook, stirring occasionally, until heated through. Yield: 10 servings (2-1/2 quarts).

Garnish it with a sprig or two of thyme. I unfortunately murdered our thyme plant for these two dishes and thus couldn't spare the last sprig.

From Dave to Dave

This is a response to my cousin Dave's New Year's Resolutions. They are as follows:

1. Lose weight
2. Get back in shape
3. Billy Mays Products
4. find out how a girls mind works
5. Getting good grades

I assumed that "Billy Mays Products" meant buying them all. I hope I was right.

So, here's how it's gonna go down:
1) You'll lose three pounds. You'll get so excited you celebrate and gain four pounds back via junk food, soda pop, and partially fermented barley soda. Devastation ensues. You try harder.

2) In your attempt to get back in shape, the fatty tissue that you use up in achieving resolutions one and two from your resolution list will be outweighed by any muscle mass you gain in its stead. This is disheartening as you believe that you are still failing number one. This causes you to give up sincerely trying either one or two.

3) You buy them all. But, unlike Pokemon, there aren't infinite products and so you are done collecting in about a week or two. They sure are fun, but now what?

4) In an attempt to figure out the female brain, you ask what you believe to be an average girl out for a casual dinner and conversation. She agrees. You ask her where she'd like to go and she says she's "up for anything." Then, at the mere mention of any restaurant you can think of, she lets you know that "anything" is actually a very selective list of foods or restaurants that you apparently have never heard of. You decide that this maze of abstractions highly resembles schizophrenia and likewise give up resolution four.

5) After spending about a month with shifting priorities dealing with 3 failures and one success from said resolutions, you become enchanted with the Billy Mays products. You lose all study time in the Samurai Shark and Mighty Putty. The report card? Not so hot. But the year isn't over; in fact, the poor grades from your first semester leave a lot of room for improvement. Perhaps you can pull off the fifth resolution after all? If only it weren't for that darned Awesome Auger!

New Years': High Resolution

So I finally decided my resolution for this year. Sure, six days late, but compared to previous years' resolutions I'm about a month early. This year (or at least until I get a job, which is really resolution #1) I will complete a project every single day. I have no idea what the projects might be, and I can really only think of a few off the top of my head, but I will finish one thing every single day. And I won't even count showering and/or getting dressed! All I can really think of is that I should re-caulk the tub and maybe fix a cabinet door. I suppose I can count elaborately prepared meals?
So, maybe I got an early start on this resolution. On the 4th, I fixed our dishwasher
(Thank God, because the prospect of hand-washing dishes was daunting) and then on the 5th I replaced my wife's car battery. That took incredibly too long as I had to fight years worth of rust and a horribly designed workspace. Yay for GM!

Anyway, that means I'll have to post every day and, at first, two a day to make up for my backlog. Unless I count posting all my backlogged stuff as a project...

Project #1!






This is the first ornament on our tree this Christmas (like I said, I'm a bit backlogged).


Shannon took the picture. Great job, wife!









This is a montage of the making of our Christmas desserts, which were phantasmical. That's a real word, trust me.



Things to notice in the process of creation: the PacMan pot holder, courtesy of the Coughlins, the tiny little mortar and pestle which crushed all 1.2 million cookies for the various crusts, and the Mega-vintage cookie jar from my Grandma. It currently houses Oreos.

What you're looking at: a bowl of crushed Oreos and several ounces of chocolate being chopped, a bowl of melted white chocolate awaiting its addition to the extremely stiff egg whites, getting ready to make the gingersnap crust for the cheese cake, and the very-crumbly-yet-utterly-delicious Oreo crust of the tart. (What? A tart in a pie pan? Are you crazy? Yes. Crazy unemployed and willing to save the $20 in lieu of a slightly different-shaped tart. We lived through it.)

Pumpkin Ginger Cheesecake
adapted from meals.com

Crust:
1 1/2 cups gingersnap cookie crumbs
1/4 cup granulated sugar
3 tablespoons butter, melted

Cheesecake:
3 packages (8 ounces each) cream cheese, at room temperature
1 cup granulated sugar
1/4 cup packed light brown sugar
2 large eggs
16 ounces pumpkin puree
2/3 cup evaporated milk
2 tablespoons cornstarch
3/4 teaspoon ground ginger
1/4 teaspoon ground cloves

Topping:
1 container (16 ounces) sour cream, at room temperature
1/3 cup granulated sugar
1 teaspoon vanilla extract
Crumbled gingersnap cookies

Preheat oven to 350° F. Tightly wrap outside bottom and side of 9-inch springform pan with 2 pieces of foil to prevent leakage. Lightly grease inside of pan.

For the crust:
Combine cookie crumbs, granulated sugar and butter in medium bowl. Press HARD onto bottom and 1 inch up side of prepared pan, using your knuckles to press into the corner (it seems to stick less to knuckles than fingers). Bake for 6 to 8 minutes, cool on wire rack for 10 minutes.

For the cheesecake:
Beat cream cheese, granulated sugar and brown sugar in large mixer bowl until fluffy. Beat in eggs, pumpkin and evaporated milk. Add cornstarch, ginger and cloves; beat well. Pour into crust. Place pan in large roasting pan; fill roasting pan with hot water to 1-inch depth. Bake for 65 to 75 minutes or until edge is set but center still moves slightly.

For the topping:
Combine sour cream, granulated sugar and vanilla extract in small bowl; mix well. Remove cheesecake from water bath, leaving water bath in oven. Spread sour cream mixture over surface of warm cheesecake. Return to water bath; bake for 5 minutes longer. Remove cheesecake from water bath to wire rack and run knife around edge of cheesecake. Cool completely, then refrigerate for several hours or overnight. Top with crumbled gingersnaps.


One thing I did not expect was the water content I had left in the pumpkin puree I had prepared. Yeah, I know, what kind of Jerk buys a whole pumpkin and purees it instead of using canned? Probably the same kind of jerk that got one-too-many pumpkins for Halloween and never carved it. Waste not, want not. Anyway, the excessive water content made for a little bit of an over-the-top creamy cheesecake as you can see from the ill defined crust on that bad boy.

Sorry for the horrific lighting in this picture.
Sweet trick we learned: cut your cheesecake with dental floss!
(It's still in the background)

Double Chocolate Mint Tart
adapted from moderndomestic

For the crust:
2 cups + 1 Tbs Oreo cookie crumbs
5 tbs melted unsalted butter

For the chocolate ganache:
6 oz unsweetened baker's chocolate, finely chopped
1/4 cup powdered sugar, sifted
3/4 cup + 1 tbs heavy cream
2 tbs butter, softened

For the mint white chocolate mousse:
6 ounces white chocolate, chopped
1 1/4 cups chilled whipping cream
1/2 teaspoon vanilla extract
2 tsp peppermint extract
2 large egg whites
1/8 teaspoon cream of tartar

For the chocolate drizzle:
1.5 oz unsweetened chocolate, finely chopped
1 tbs powdered sugar, sifted
1 tbs butter
3 tbs heavy cream

Crust:
Preheat oven to 350°F.

Combine cookie crumbs and melted butter in a small bowl. Pat mixture into a tart (pie) pan, so that it evenly covers the bottom and sides of the pan. Bake crust in the oven until toasted – approximately 15 minutes. Let cool.

Ganache:
Place chopped chocolate in a medium bowl. In a small sauce pan, heat cream over moderate heat to the boiling point. Whisk cream into chocolate until smooth. Continue to whisk as you add the sugar. Let cool completely, then stir in the butter. Transfer to the refrigerator to set (around 6 hours, or overnight).

Mousse:
Combine white chocolate and 1/4 cup whipping cream in large bowl. Heat mixture in the microwave until chocolate is melted and smooth. Let mixture cool until lukewarm, about 15 minutes.

Beat remaining 1 cup whipping cream, vanilla and peppermint extract in large bowl until peaks form. In another medium bowl, using clean dry beaters, beat egg whites with cream of tartar until stiff but not dry. Fold whites into chocolate mixture, then fold in whipped cream. Chill overnight.

Assemble tart:
Remove ganache and mousse from the refrigerator. Both will be slightly stiff, so stir each with a whisk or spatula a couple times, until they loosen slightly. Pour ganache over crust, smoothing with a spatula so that it covers the entire bottom. Pour mousse over ganache, smoothing the top with a spatula.

Prepare drizzle and decorate tart:
Place chocolate in a small bowl and melt in microwave. Place cream in another small bowl and heat until hot. Whisk cream into chocolate. Whisk in the butter, then let cool. Dip a fork into the mixture and flick over the tart in appealingly messy patterns.

Place assembled tart in the fridge for another hour or so, to firm up, before serving.


The chocolate ganache layer in this recipe was decidedly bitter, which I love, and contrasted the very sweet mousse. Unfortunately, the ganache layer hardened more than desired, so in the future I may add a bit more butter or cream. Still, though, delicious.

This is before the chocolate drizzle was added. The only picture of that was when this thing was half-eaten and not nearly as appealing (and in the same lighting as the cheesecake).


Friggin' Awesome Lasagna Al Forno
adapted from Tyler's Ultimate and Food of Italy

2 pound dried lasagna noodles
Extra-virgin olive oil
2 pounds ground beef
2 pounds ground Italian sausage
1 onion, chopped
2 cloves garlic, sliced
3 carrots, chopped
2 stalks celery, chopped
2 tablespoons chopped fresh basil
1/4 cup finely chopped Italian flat-leaf parsley
1 tablespoon chopped oregano leaves
2 tablespoons all-purpose flour
2 cups red wine
2 (28-ounce) cans diced tomatoes
3 tablespoons heavy cream
1 teaspoon ground cinnamon
1/2 tsp. nutmeg
2 quarts ricotta cheese
2 eggs, lightly beaten
1/2 cup grated Parmesan
Kosher salt and freshly ground black pepper
1 pound mozzarella cheese, shredded
Grated Parmesan and mozzarella, for topping

Directions

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

Cook the lasagna noodles in plenty of boiling salted water until pliable and barely tender, about 10 minutes. Stir with a wooden spoon to prevent sticking. Drain the noodles thoroughly and coat with olive oil to keep them moist and easy to work with.

Coat a large skillet with olive oil, add beef and sausage and brown until no longer pink, about 10 minutes. Season with salt and pepper. In a food processor, combine the onion, carrots, celery, garlic, basil, parsley, an oregano. Process until pureed, add to the pan with the ground meat and stir to combine. Stir in the flour. Add the wine and cook until it has reduced by half. Stir in the tomatoes and add the heavy cream, cinnamon, and nutmeg.

In a mixing bowl, combine ricotta and the Parmesan. Stir in the eggs and season with salt and pepper.

To assemble the lasagna: Coat the bottom of a deep 13 by 9-inch pan with olive oil. Arrange 4 noodles lengthwise in a slightly overlapping layer on the sauce. Then, line each end of the pan with a lasagna noodle. Spread 1/4 of the ricotta mixture over the pasta to the edges with a spatula. Sprinkle 1/4 of the mozzarella on top of the ricotta. Spread 1/4 of the meat mixture over the ricotta. Repeat three times with the next layers of noodles, ricotta, cheese, and meat sauce. Top last layer with noodles, Parmesan, and shredded mozzarella. Tap the pan to force out air bubbles. Bake for 1 hour. Remove from oven. Let lasagna rest for 30 minutes so the noodles will settle and cut easily.


I made the unfortunate mistake of putting the Parmesan on top of the mozzarella, which effectively turned into a very tough--albeit delicious--golden crust on top.

That sucker is well over 3" thick. Booya.

Okay, I think that's all I had backlogged. Until next time!

Eggs Breadadict

I've found my largest flaw when it comes to the supposed plan for documenting my adventures in being a House Husband (and it has nothing to do with lacking Thor). Well, at least in terms of the cooking aspect, anyway. I suck at planning a menu and then actually pulling through on it. I either never have the right ingredients, don't plan days/time properly, or end up cooking on the fly.
So my first little cooking post will deal with the fact that I am clearly unprepared head-on: one morning I decided to treat the Misses to some Eggs Benedict, which I had never eaten before, via poaching an egg in a pan of simmering water, which I had never done before, and topping with the ever-essential Hollandaise sauce, which I had never even seen before, let alone knew what all was entailed to create it.
All I can say was, it was really fun! Making the egg was surprisingly easy/disgusting, I just had to deal with the fact that the egg looked wrong the entire time I cooked them. The best part, however, was the Hollandaise sauce. I piddled a few resources together to get this recipe:

1 egg yolk
1 teaspoon lemon juice
5-6 Tbs. butter (4 Tbs. clarified)
pinch paprika (or, in my case, you realize you have none as the sauce is setting, and instead throw in a pinch of ground corriander)

1. Over low heat, melt the butter until the milk solids separate from those delicious fatty oils. Skim off the milk solids or, even better, strain through a cheese cloth and keep only the clarified butter.
2. In a thin-bottomed small bowl, beat the living monkeys out of the egg yolk and lemon juice for a hot second to get those well blended.
3. Slowly--and I do mean slowly--add the clarified butter to the bowl holding over a pan of simmering water. Hold it too close and the eggs will scramble, too far and the sauce will separate. I guess you just get a feel for the right height.
4. Once all of the butter has been added and the sauce thickens enough to resist your wrist, add the preferred spices and whisk a little more. Serve it up or lick it off the spoon, fatty!

I somehow managed to not mess up the sauce whatsoever. I'm not sure if I just have a feel for cooking or if I was darn lucky, because everything I read kinda hinted that makin' the H-sauce was going to be a pain in the Benedict.
I did pick up this little hint from my best friend in the whole cooking world, Alton Brown: You can clarify pounds of butter at a time (if you really think you'll be cooking with it often or in great quantities) and just store it in an air-tight container for like a year. Once you get that junky milk out, the stuff just doesn't go rancid very fast. Plus, you can use it 1:1 in place of butter in any recipe and avoid that whole lactose-intolerance deal! I like to be kind to all of my friends who just simply can't handle that spicy milk.

Oh, yeah, the Pièce de résistance? I had no English muffins, just two stale pieces of bread at the bottom of the bag. Good thing two was all I needed!

What can I say? Once a slacker always a slacker.

So, i told a few people I was going to start posting the things I do around the house as a designated house-husband. You know, since Michigan's unemployment rate is a slim 14.7% (with the looming prediction of a 15.8% average in 2010). I may as well do something productive, right?
Rest assured I have several posts and projects near completion with a few minor details left for the polishing. Anyway, my buddy Dan turned me on to something most interesting via an RSS feed: the ADE651™, "PORTABLE ADVANCED EQUIPMENT OF DETECTION OF EXPLOSIVES AND NARCOTICS."
A few excerpts from their website truly caught my eye that I just couldn't stop laughing about, and in turn decided we all should get a good laugh out of it. And by "we all" I mean "me" since no one even knows I post anymore.

To continue:
Right from the opening paragraph, the company's spelling/grammar skills truly paint the picture of their sincerity and attention to detail. "It is extremely easy to aperate and delivers fast detection of the programmed substances in a small lightweight package.." I just wish blogs were as easy to aperate. Maybe I would blog more often. And is that sentenced ended with two periods, or did they just fall short of an ellipse? I can't tell if there's more to follow or not!
Nope, there certainly is. Right at the bottom of the main page we find a listing of countries they serve:
"North & South America • UK • Europe • Far East • Middle East • Eastern Europe • África • Asia"
So, now we have discovered that their aperations reach so far that they've forgotten that the United Kingdom is part of Europe, which, as far as I can remember, also included Eastern Europe. And why the distinction between the "Far East" and Asia? Or, for that matter, the Middle East and Asia? And what's with the accent mark in África? The only continents they got right are the Americas, and (sigh of relief) we're not retarded enough to buy this crap.

Which leads me to the next point: According to the website, 80 units of ADE651™ were sold to the Iraqi Ministry of Interior. At 60k a pop (according to the RSS feed I found this through), that's 4.8 million dollars spent on 80 old coaxial cable lines, power hose handles, and lunch boxes. Sure would have been nice if Iraq just gave us that money directly to help pay for the @$$load of support we've blown on them. (Upon further investigation, I found a source sighting this:
Aqeel al-Turaihi, the inspector general for the Ministry of the Interior, reported that the ministry bought 800 of the devices from a company called ATSC (UK) Ltd. for $32 million in 2008, and an unspecified larger quantity for $53 million. Scary.) But they're not even alone; more units were sold to the Lebanese Army (Beirut), the Chinese Police (Bejing) [sic] (is Bejing in the Far East or in Asia? and is it anywhere near Beijing?) , and the Thailand Police (Bangkok). "This eas done to increase job results and to reach from now on a new level in terms of security and detection of threats." I thought it would have been obvious why someone would purchase "PORTABLE ADVANCED EQUIPMENT OF DETECTION OF EXPLOSIVES AND NARCOTICS", but they apparently need to very illiterately tell us why one more time. This eas done to increase our confidence in their product.

This wonder-wand is so supremely amazing that it can detect "Black Powder, Used Weapons, Fireworks, all types of Ammunition,
Ammonium Nitrate (ANFO-ANNIE), Chinese Czech and Russian Semtex, Plastic (C4, C1, ...), Dynamite, RDX, TNT, Nitroglycerine, Tetryl, Grenades, Mines, Amphetamine, Cocaine, Crack, Heroine, Marijuana, Cannabis, Morphine, Ivory, Human research, Bank notes, …"
Errors in this list: first of all, after a comma, use "etc." if you want to use the ellipse, leave off the comma! I want to murder ellipse abusers! Furthermore, the device can detect "used weapons", but no mention of unused weapons. A live round is far more dangerous than a fired round, last I checked. ANFO-ANNIE doesn't exist; ANFO/ANNIE would have made more sense, though still completely redundant. And since when did China join the Czech Republic? Furthermore, only the Czech republic and Slovakia manufacture Semtex, not China or Russia. As far as detecting C4, listing C1 next seems mundane since C3 would be a far better example. Or even C2. In fact, they should have just said it detects Composition A, B, and C plastic explosives. Of course this is a moot point since all it detects is gullible people. Nitrogylicerine? Is this the cuter version of Nitroglycerin? And now for the drugs. Yay, drugs! I sure am glad they differentiate between Cocaine and Crack. This must be to say that they can detect really impure forms of crack, since in reality it is cocaine. And again, the distinction of marijuana from cannabis is unnecessary, as Marijuana is a species of the genus Cannabis. But I guess these guys are chemists/physicists, not horticulturists nor agriculturists. My favorite parts, though are "Human research" and "bank notes." Human research? Really? I almost don't even know what to say. Shouldn't this device point at every person in the vicinity who recently drank any diet soda pop, ate any margarine, or put on any makeup? Any foreign, non-natural substance in the body should trip this thing. It's not like they can pre-program it for experimental substances that are in the research phase that they haven't first found out about, classified, and sampled. And as far as bank notes are concerned, it's ink on paper. The instruction manual should set it off. Or cotton, in the case of US money. Dyed cotton, you say? Sounds like every piece of clothing in the vicinity may give a false-positive. Quick! Everyone get naked! Our uniforms have been sabotaged!


I think that's how most military pornography starts. Wait, did Ron Jeremy invent this thing?